I Hate Political Ads

It's been two months since my last post. It's not that I haven't had life that has gone on, and it's not that there hasn't been anything to talk about. It hasn't even been being so busy with the Peanut and the BooBoo, or gaming, or all my projects, though those have been factors. Here's my confession - I just haven't felt like writing that much lately.

A whole bunch of stressers descended on my life at once - some good, some not-as-positive - my grandmother has moved to town and now is trying to pressure my little family to move closer (we live on the other end of town), the pet I had growing up passed away, BooBoo's first birthday is coming (to party or not to party?), my husband got a raise, the continual loathing of debt and the interest that seems intentionally calculated so that a young family (or even people who just made the financial error of answering a credit card application) will never escape completely... Despite all this, or maybe because of it, I have been researching very carefully the candidates for the upcoming elections. Quite frankly, what I'm finding is causing much sadness and dismay in my heart.

I am an Independent voter - not a Democrat, not a Republican. I think it is irresponsible furthermore to just blindly vote along party lines. Furthermore, I am a female voter who believes that "guns don't kill people, people who pull a gun's trigger while pointing it at another person kill people", that gender and sexuality are on a spectrum, have daughters, and have survived mental, physical, and sexual abuse. This is not all I am, but they are parts that make up who I have become and my belief system. I don't believe people are innately evil, but that there are people who do great evil. I believe in the goodness of God, and that there is a divine plan for my life with the details hidden from me. I also believe the choices I make has a bearing on the path that plan, and that the multiple beings of God include feminine aspects - I am who and what I am and to put myself in a "box" insults that.

So Republicans - don't tell me that a teenager who is assaulted while on a date was "asking for it" if her dress bares her shoulders (or even her breasts or rides high on her legs), don't tell me if someone does something to or with a woman that could cause pregnancy that it's all her fault and there's nothing she can do, don't tell me that your religion trumps her rights.
As for the Democrats - don't assume that because I believe in a woman's right to choose and that I think that public breastfeeding and healthcare for everyone means I'm all for shoving GLBT rights in everyone's face and for allowing illegal immigrants the freedom to not pay taxes or stay without going through the proper procedures - they're there for a reason.

I think the true issues are being lost behind religious fervor (especially abortion and 'what to do about' citizens who love people who are the same sex), gun control, and . While those fly up, it smokescreens "how to do the best to take care of everyone", "do I represent the people who live in our state (not just those who voted for me)", "what are we doing about public education and why isn't what we're doing working", and other such issues. Our parties are so divided, and our system is so broken... And yet all the political ads can talk about is the cupcake with frosting instead of the chicken and green beans while trying to throw mud pies at the other candidate...

Lol... my husband just brought a shirt be bought me - "Lawful good: Governments should be afraid of their people." Maybe we as a country should remember that... we're a democratic system, we vote for our representation, and we have the right to tell the government we think they're doing a bad job and aren't really representing us. I don't know if it'll happen, or whether we're just going to keep hating and keep separating, but something's got to give.

Progress Bar:

Sunday Mystery Sampler - nothing new... only have the black to finish bordering :)
Peanut's - ~25%? (about to start the bottom Bunny after finishing the border of the block)
BooBoo's - not started (waiting to be done with Peanut's)
Crochet blankets - need to stuff and assemble the Loom Dragon, still trying the fancy scarf pattern (had to frog it *faux glare at Peanut*) and enjoying crocheting more baby blankets. Still no new Moms by Design site yet... debating between Etsy and Ebay?

Games - have been playing Lightning Returns and Beautiful Katamari on Xbox360, Enchanted Arms on hold since doing Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon so can return to Sister-in-Law... enjoying the break of having multiplayer with my husband after the kids are abed

No Rest for the ... Mommy

Saw this and had to share...

A True Challenge with Kids...

I wish I could #challengeaccepted this, but since naps for the girls are a struggle at times... At 2 1/2, Peanut wants to give them up but isn't ready. She gets too cranky and insists that BooBoo should be awake too. The latter is getting better; the former... well, hopefully one of these days it'll get better. After all, this too shall pass and they grow too fast in most other ways.

But Wow, it's been a while since I last updated.
I'm almost done with my #100HappyDays challenge! It's been a real blast to do. Usually it is about Peanut and BooBoo, but what more could I want? Peanut cracks me up constantly with what she says and does, and BooBoo is growing so fast and so well... she's standing on her own but not quite sure about doing more than a step or two. That is fine though - she's just under 10 months and Big Sister Peanut is so willing to help her (whether Mommy wants her to or not...)

Crafting is going soooo well. I have not yet set up the new Moms by Design site, although the Facebook is still up and will be updated with that when the time comes. My friend is due in September, so I figure I have till August-ish to improve my inventory to be ready for the reopening. I can't wait to show y'all what has been made recently ~ it's been fabulous learning and playing with new skills and new projects <3

Oh, there's my cue - naptime is over! We'll talk soon!

Progress Bar:

Sunday Mystery Sampler - only have the black to finish bordering :)
Peanut's - ~24%? (about to start the bottom Bunny and block ) but did more butterflies since last time
BooBoo's - not started (waiting to be done with Peanut's)
Crochet blankets - Finished JJs and the commission for her friend. Doing another for fun, gave up trying to Grape Fizz loom the way I had been (Word to the wise - flat looming on the Boye long loom? Don't Extend It! You could break your loom ~ Didn't, but it definitely weakened it), playing with a Loom Dragon and a fancy scarf pattern

Games - completed some games for the achievement points since last time, playing Enchanted Arms on Xbox360, thinking already about what's next

Inside My Skin - A PostPartumDepression poem

inside my skin lives

a monster

so dark

hungry

empty

there are days

nights

sudden moments

when I should feel more

feel less

but I don't

can't

joy

is harder to come by

bleakness

sadness

sticks around longer

And yet... and yet...

They've said before

nothing is wrong with me

it's all in my head

And so it is

in my head

under my skin

So I'm afraid

afraid to try again

to yell 

scream

into the empty darkness

and look

for a light

a rope

acknowledgement

and to know

"is this real

or am I mad?"

this is my battle

It's funny... I've done this rodeo three times, so I know my cycle. At my 6 week appointment, I'm always feeling tired but generally good. Week 12, I feel a little more tired, a little more stressed, but still optimistic. But month 6, month 9? It gets harder. Everything gets harder.

The criticisms stick more, the doubt sets in... and I feel less me. All the classic symptoms of depression arise - not enjoying anything, not wanting to really move and never feeling rested (ha, parenting!), but I feel too stuck and ashamed to go in to even get checked out. Part of that is my past... and that's mostly what people focus on, not the person now.

I know that I'm right now holding something that happened the other day too close. After giving forgiveness for it, it was shoved back in my face and now I'm having trouble letting it go a second time... Plus, the thing said was the worst possible and the apology had a "but here's why and why I brought it up again", so not a true apology in my mind.

I know I'm angry and upset, but don't feel it. The tears show up unexpectedly. The questions of what I want and what I want to do are not answered because I don't have one, haven't had one in days.

My girls deserve better. They need better. I don't know how to be that right now, but I'll smother them in love and that'll have to do <3

A Common Problem No One Talks About

The good thing, if you can call it that, is that I've been there. I fight with it every day... and I hope my girls never have to. At the same time, I use them to overcome my hang ups and wish that they never ever realize or notice.
That's right, I have a negative relationship with food. Worse than that, it some days takes everything I have to fight back against my impulses and only by remembering that they need better to surpass those impulses. Today, I gave in to another "gift" I gave myself and watched the Netflix movie Thin to remind myself that there are more important things in life, and that I never want to get to the point where I'd need to go to recovery for my body image issues.

Growing up, I was the thin one with a chunkier sibling. Therefore, my family was always on a diet (or so it seemed). My first pregnancy, unplanned and from an abusive situation, I didn't - couldn't - cure my cravings. All I'd wanted were french fries and ice cream, but they weren't allowed. I gained 50 pounds with that pregnancy regardless. I'd also just been called sedentary not long before I got pregnant by a family member just for quitting my sports team, so when I got to college I began a long spiral downward.
My first roommate deserted after threatening my safety, and I was depressed, hiding in my room from a creepy kid. I ended up watching Food Network to chase away the hunger pains, feeling full seeing the feasts they would make on the television and barely feeding the body I had more than just a little - a cup of Ramen here, a bowl of cereal there, a candy bar to keep my blood sugar up, and lots of water...
In some ways, it was a good thing therefore, that my grandmother would send me meal replacement drinks and I saved them all in the mini-fridge. When I needed a root canal for a long broken and finally dying tooth, they were the only things that soothed my aching tooth. On the other hand, I gained a lot of weight quickly that way in the span of only a few weeks... I messed up my digestive system something terrible that year and rarely feel "hungry" or "full." I feed my kids on a schedule so I don't forget to feed them Or myself.
But working out hard the last week has brought out the feelings again. I am around 200 lbs and 6 feet tall - breastfeeding though I may be, still people frown when they hear that. The machines that tell you Body Mass Index and Body Fat Ratios all say I'm "fat" ... and yet, I know how out of control it's become when I see "problem spots" in pictures from my fittest where I was all muscle, so strong and fit.
So, while I'm aiming to get back to 'healthy weight,' I see it also as all arbitrary. I fear that if I ever get to my goal, I won't want to stop. I know that it's a good thing I was unnerved at not wanting to eat after my workout this morning because that means my life and my habits are good.
We are too concerned with the number on the scale, of looking like the models in the magazines when those aren't realistic. Even when seeing the girls on the show, if it weren't for the super thin arms and everyone saying they had a problem... it was hard to see the problem. I don't want my girls growing up thinking Thin is everything... People complain all the time about the obese culture of America... I'd rather see my naturally super tall, super skinny girls learn to use food instead of letting food use them, no matter which direction. Food is fuel, and should be fun...

Anyway. Though no one talks about it, eating disorders are a problem and they are real. It doesn't matter if your problem with food leads you to the super large or the super small, it's still a dysfunctional relationship. The hardest part though is that you are never truly cured of one once you have it - it's just determining in every choice in every day to surpass it. Since it's food, and unavoidable, triggers are ever present.

I hope this helps someone, at least to know that they're not alone. It can happen to anyone... Good Luck <3

Things Quickly Learned as a Parent Gamer

I'm going to the wedding this weekend, but wanted to check in quick with some updates.

The first is that my cross stitch I made as a present looks fabulous. <3 I can't wait to give it to my friends. Plus, this weekend is going to be a blast! Even though we live only an hour from one another, we don't often manage to get our schedules to cross in a way that is conducive to playdate plans.

The second is that I (well, more my controller hog husband...) finished my Banjo Tooie file. While interruptions by the munchkins are par for the course, it bothers him more to have a game unfinished or delayed than it does me... plus, when I asked for a wee bit of assistance, he wasn't so keen to give the controller back. Now he's bogged down into his own gaming pleasure, and will be for some time, and I don't have something "better" to suggest so... 

That leads to point three: he gets frustrated at the screaming and the crying... but he works outside the house all day. I spent the day shuttling the kiddos around, dealing with 80+% of all meltdowns, cleaning up poo from any and all surfaces, and He's frustrated and tired at the end of the day? I still need to work on the projects I'm doing! Just trying to fit in a workout is tiring and frustrating and screaming filled and (dare I say it?) Selfish of Mommy.

And that's really what as a Mom these days we fear - the stigma of being Selfish. Sure, we have things we need to get done like Laundry and Dishes, Cleaning the House, Making Everyone (Else) Happy and Healthy that sometimes we forget to care for ourselves... and if we ever put ourselves first, it's selfish. And yet - and yet! - the need to do something, anything, to care for ourselves so we can love ourselves and be better Mommies is so important that there are webpages, wines, and daycares with the name "Mommy's Time Out." ( ... On that note, I need to try the wine sometime, on that note. I hear it's good, but as I don't get samples or sponsored, I need to find a place in the area to get some <3 )

Maybe it's my "gaming ADD," or maybe it's my kids, or maybe it's that since "growing up" I've found less time for gaming or doing stuff that makes me happy, but I find it hard to pick something and stick with it for long (at least at one time - I nearly always come back it it sooner than later). I sometimes miss being a person instead of an extension of my kids, or a popular and needed but still not quite autonomous member of their entourage. Perhaps it's the Stay at Home factor - as any SAHM will tell you, it's quite a sacrifice to any and all future career prospects for little rest and less time - but the days can be so so soooo long...

While people tell you life will be different, and even some say that with the addition of children life is over, no one can quite prepare you for just How different. You always are thinking about what is best for them, how long can you exercise with a screaming baby in a jumper, how cooked do the hamburgers really need to be, breast or bottle, when solids start... cosleeping vs bedsharing vs crib in another room... and everyone you know and people you don't will have advice, and there is never a worry if they are going to share it (Spoiler Alert: they will!). The latest thing is the new "take your baby out of the car seat right after coming in, even if they are asleep, even if you just got them asleep, because little necks drooping and cutting off airways and -as is always the end warning of these stories - if you don't, your baby will DIE." I'm following it for now, no sense in taking unnecessary chances, but there are also occasions where I'll just unstrap her and leave her in (right next to me)... or I'll sit in the car until Peanut gets tired and the super-wiggles and is tempted to or accomplishes waking BooBoo. Still, the end result of every story being "Your Baby Could Die" gets tiresome...

Anyway, to bed I go! Peace, Love, and Pixie Stix!

Progress Bar:
Sunday Mystery Sampler - only have the black to finish bordering :)
Peanut's - ~24%? (about to start the bottom Bunny and block )
BooBoo's - not started
Crochet blanket for JJ - half done. Still playing with Grape Fizz loom blanket :)

Games - Haven't really started anything new and don't know what I'm working on next... Probably will be after the wedding though

A Little Tired of Being "Second Class"

For as blessed as I am - and I know that with a loving husband who works very hard to provide for us, two beautiful healthy daughters, parents-in-law that defy the stereotype, family nearby who are willing to help when needed or even wanted, and some close friends who I care for who also care for me, I truly am - there are times that I wish that it was better. An example of this is what happened these last few days...

All week, I have been working with and around very snotty little kids; Peanut and BooBoo, one right after the other, came down with the smallest colds. It was just enough to make them miserable and wanting cuddles and nose wipes (Peanut more than BooBoo, of course, on the last one), but not enough to even think of slowing them down. It was just as the transition happened between them on Wednesday that the first emotional torpedo of the week hit - my sister-in-law wrote one of the nastiest "none of her friends ever help her and that the last month has really shown her who her true friends are" posts on Facebook that I have ever seen.
Even knowing that she's ill, even knowing she said friends and not family, this got under my skin in a major way. It's not enough I had given her my one family day of the week so Ryuu could drive her where she needed to go (and chauffeured her plenty myself), it's not enough I opened my home to her when she needed it and am watching her dogs, it's not enough that she attempted to put me on a firing line with my husband by badmouthing me to him (which, love him, he shot down immediately and told her would not be tolerated)... Since I count myself as a friend as well as family to her, her words and only one mention of the word "friend" cut me to the core.
My sweet Peanut, two and innocent as only a child can be to the viciousness of language, helped me by getting me out of the house and not letting my emotions do something I'd regret such as write her back. I will tell you here and now, there is nothing like your child asking "Mommy, you ok?" over and over again to break your heart and make you get it together enough to get out of the situation.
The next day, SIL wrote something lovely and thanked us for all we've done and continue to do for her. I still haven't decided if it's enough of a balm - no matter how much people hurt me, I rarely show or tell them. I haven't responded to either post, but it's a lesson about saying something online you'd never voice to someone's face that you Intend for certain people to see - sometimes, without meaning it, the wrong audience will see it and take it personally.

Then there's the issue with being a Stay at Home Mom. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing my kids growing and thriving. I can't imagine a better job, especially since I was able to be home with them when they were feeling ill and not have to worry about "sick days"... well, unless you count the day I had a touch of it and was snotty too. ;) Being home all the time (and getting paid in love and kisses) is wonderful, but sometimes you need to get out... specifically, you need to get out without the kiddos. I have had TWO of those moments this week. One was the recovery from the above SIL statement when I just needed a good cry. The other was what this part is about - and, spoiler alert, I didn't get either.
When you're a SAHM, it is assumed by most if not all of the rest of the world that you just sit home on your bum, making every food imaginable from scratch in Pinterest quality (baby clothes too!), and watching Real Housewives and Days of Our Lives. The reality is a little more... 

"Moooooommy... What are you doooooing, Mooooommy?"

What really hurts about this though is that in the schedule planner of outings, if a conflict comes up, I get dropped for the people who don't have "unlimited time." When we have a planned get together, I really look forward to it. When I gave "oh anytime that works for you" as a time, it meant "just let me know so I can plan juice and snack cups and enough pants in the diaper bag and..." because I know that it takes me half hour to change them and get out the door. I don't mind dropping what I'm doing to give rides... unless it's naptime and they're already down. My 'life' revolves around my kids and their activities at this age, and I'm cool with that... I just like having some adult time too so when plans break last minute, yes it does hurt and yes, I do feel like a "second class" friend in your eyes.

I want to say that "boundaries are also slamming up in reaction to more family moving into town. Though I've known for a while it was coming, I don't think I was ever going to be ready for my Grandmother to actually move" but I know that sounds stronger than the reality actually is. I admit, I am a nice person and a helper by nature and often times, that turns too quickly into doormat. I hate for people to be angry with me, and this is made worse by the attitude that has resulted - if I give them what they want, they'll be happy and not hurt me. It sounds worse than it is - more 'actively ignore, simmer in silence, reserve their presence' than anything else - but there have been times where it has caused ... more pain.
The reality of it is that I have had very few boundaries in the past, and it's a struggle to create some. I don't know yet what my Grandmother moving here means for me... or for our relationship. I felt undermined today when I was unable to refuse a loan because my Mom showed up and Ryuu gave her what she asked for before I'd even gotten the chance to think about how to say "No, I have plans for that table. She can't borrow it." It's so stupid, but I care how I say things like that because otherwise I feel selfish and stupid and everything I try so hard not to be.

There's so much I could go on about on this topic... especially after this week's end. But I'll finish with something lighter. I did finish my Mom's project, and she loves it. I'm a good ways through the one for my friend's wedding in 2 weeks (2 weeks!) and ahead of the target time. We're almost done with a super long game of Dokapon Kingdom - like Mario Party but intentionally vicious - because we want to get all the classes and max them as much as possible before finishing Story Mode. I'm half way done with the baby blanket I'm making for Ryuu's student (he's the best tutor at his old school <3 and I'm encouraging him to get a masters to go back and actually teach) and have a plan for which I'm going to call her commission. I now run Moms by Design solely and am in the process of making more projects for it - an iPhone 5 case, a yellow scarf, and a blanket are all in the works. My friend has promised a project or two to help finish our initial setup, but has decided not to be a partner at least for now.

<3 Peace, Love, and Pixie Sticks! <3

Progress Bar:
Sunday Mystery Sampler - only have the black to finish bordering :)
Peanut's - ~24%? (about to start the bottom Bunny and block )
BooBoo's - not started
Welcome Sampler for Wedding Present - need to finish "W" and ending "E" and add another vine with flowers. Considering posting the pattern as well as finished picture for sale when done so y'all can make one too <3
Crochet blanket for JJ - half done. Still playing with Grape Fizz loom blanket :)
Games - almost done with Dokapon Kingdom's Story Mode with Ryuu, just finished Hailfire Peak on Banjo Tooie and going to play more this evening... 

Challenge progress

Oh, totally forgot to mention how my #100HappyDays was going! It is really helping me feel better in the midst of all the crises because it's making me think about and sometimes go out of my way to look for/ do things that make me happy. Most of the time, it's my Peanut and BooBoo :) As well as making me share when they are doing new and awesome things, it also helps me feel calmer and more grateful for how lucky I am to have been blessed so much. Happy healthy kids who are growing and learning and have a wonderful outlook on life are the best! So BooBoo wants to be held a lot and Peanut just made a "Monet" on my wall with the wrong crayons... they are only going to be Two and Teething for a little and this time will pass.

One of my favorite quotes in one of my favorite comics :)