No Rest for the ... Mommy

Saw this and had to share...

A True Challenge with Kids...

I wish I could #challengeaccepted this, but since naps for the girls are a struggle at times... At 2 1/2, Peanut wants to give them up but isn't ready. She gets too cranky and insists that BooBoo should be awake too. The latter is getting better; the former... well, hopefully one of these days it'll get better. After all, this too shall pass and they grow too fast in most other ways.

But Wow, it's been a while since I last updated.
I'm almost done with my #100HappyDays challenge! It's been a real blast to do. Usually it is about Peanut and BooBoo, but what more could I want? Peanut cracks me up constantly with what she says and does, and BooBoo is growing so fast and so well... she's standing on her own but not quite sure about doing more than a step or two. That is fine though - she's just under 10 months and Big Sister Peanut is so willing to help her (whether Mommy wants her to or not...)

Crafting is going soooo well. I have not yet set up the new Moms by Design site, although the Facebook is still up and will be updated with that when the time comes. My friend is due in September, so I figure I have till August-ish to improve my inventory to be ready for the reopening. I can't wait to show y'all what has been made recently ~ it's been fabulous learning and playing with new skills and new projects <3

Oh, there's my cue - naptime is over! We'll talk soon!

Progress Bar:

Sunday Mystery Sampler - only have the black to finish bordering :)
Peanut's - ~24%? (about to start the bottom Bunny and block ) but did more butterflies since last time
BooBoo's - not started (waiting to be done with Peanut's)
Crochet blankets - Finished JJs and the commission for her friend. Doing another for fun, gave up trying to Grape Fizz loom the way I had been (Word to the wise - flat looming on the Boye long loom? Don't Extend It! You could break your loom ~ Didn't, but it definitely weakened it), playing with a Loom Dragon and a fancy scarf pattern

Games - completed some games for the achievement points since last time, playing Enchanted Arms on Xbox360, thinking already about what's next

Inside My Skin - A PostPartumDepression poem

inside my skin lives

a monster

so dark

hungry

empty

there are days

nights

sudden moments

when I should feel more

feel less

but I don't

can't

joy

is harder to come by

bleakness

sadness

sticks around longer

And yet... and yet...

They've said before

nothing is wrong with me

it's all in my head

And so it is

in my head

under my skin

So I'm afraid

afraid to try again

to yell 

scream

into the empty darkness

and look

for a light

a rope

acknowledgement

and to know

"is this real

or am I mad?"

this is my battle

It's funny... I've done this rodeo three times, so I know my cycle. At my 6 week appointment, I'm always feeling tired but generally good. Week 12, I feel a little more tired, a little more stressed, but still optimistic. But month 6, month 9? It gets harder. Everything gets harder.

The criticisms stick more, the doubt sets in... and I feel less me. All the classic symptoms of depression arise - not enjoying anything, not wanting to really move and never feeling rested (ha, parenting!), but I feel too stuck and ashamed to go in to even get checked out. Part of that is my past... and that's mostly what people focus on, not the person now.

I know that I'm right now holding something that happened the other day too close. After giving forgiveness for it, it was shoved back in my face and now I'm having trouble letting it go a second time... Plus, the thing said was the worst possible and the apology had a "but here's why and why I brought it up again", so not a true apology in my mind.

I know I'm angry and upset, but don't feel it. The tears show up unexpectedly. The questions of what I want and what I want to do are not answered because I don't have one, haven't had one in days.

My girls deserve better. They need better. I don't know how to be that right now, but I'll smother them in love and that'll have to do <3