The good thing, if you can call it that, is that I've been there. I fight with it every day... and I hope my girls never have to. At the same time, I use them to overcome my hang ups and wish that they never ever realize or notice.
That's right, I have a negative relationship with food. Worse than that, it some days takes everything I have to fight back against my impulses and only by remembering that they need better to surpass those impulses. Today, I gave in to another "gift" I gave myself and watched the Netflix movie Thin to remind myself that there are more important things in life, and that I never want to get to the point where I'd need to go to recovery for my body image issues.
Growing up, I was the thin one with a chunkier sibling. Therefore, my family was always on a diet (or so it seemed). My first pregnancy, unplanned and from an abusive situation, I didn't - couldn't - cure my cravings. All I'd wanted were french fries and ice cream, but they weren't allowed. I gained 50 pounds with that pregnancy regardless. I'd also just been called sedentary not long before I got pregnant by a family member just for quitting my sports team, so when I got to college I began a long spiral downward.
My first roommate deserted after threatening my safety, and I was depressed, hiding in my room from a creepy kid. I ended up watching Food Network to chase away the hunger pains, feeling full seeing the feasts they would make on the television and barely feeding the body I had more than just a little - a cup of Ramen here, a bowl of cereal there, a candy bar to keep my blood sugar up, and lots of water...
In some ways, it was a good thing therefore, that my grandmother would send me meal replacement drinks and I saved them all in the mini-fridge. When I needed a root canal for a long broken and finally dying tooth, they were the only things that soothed my aching tooth. On the other hand, I gained a lot of weight quickly that way in the span of only a few weeks... I messed up my digestive system something terrible that year and rarely feel "hungry" or "full." I feed my kids on a schedule so I don't forget to feed them Or myself.
But working out hard the last week has brought out the feelings again. I am around 200 lbs and 6 feet tall - breastfeeding though I may be, still people frown when they hear that. The machines that tell you Body Mass Index and Body Fat Ratios all say I'm "fat" ... and yet, I know how out of control it's become when I see "problem spots" in pictures from my fittest where I was all muscle, so strong and fit.
So, while I'm aiming to get back to 'healthy weight,' I see it also as all arbitrary. I fear that if I ever get to my goal, I won't want to stop. I know that it's a good thing I was unnerved at not wanting to eat after my workout this morning because that means my life and my habits are good.
We are too concerned with the number on the scale, of looking like the models in the magazines when those aren't realistic. Even when seeing the girls on the show, if it weren't for the super thin arms and everyone saying they had a problem... it was hard to see the problem. I don't want my girls growing up thinking Thin is everything... People complain all the time about the obese culture of America... I'd rather see my naturally super tall, super skinny girls learn to use food instead of letting food use them, no matter which direction. Food is fuel, and should be fun...
Anyway. Though no one talks about it, eating disorders are a problem and they are real. It doesn't matter if your problem with food leads you to the super large or the super small, it's still a dysfunctional relationship. The hardest part though is that you are never truly cured of one once you have it - it's just determining in every choice in every day to surpass it. Since it's food, and unavoidable, triggers are ever present.
I hope this helps someone, at least to know that they're not alone. It can happen to anyone... Good Luck <3
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