Inside My Skin - A PostPartumDepression poem

inside my skin lives

a monster

so dark

hungry

empty

there are days

nights

sudden moments

when I should feel more

feel less

but I don't

can't

joy

is harder to come by

bleakness

sadness

sticks around longer

And yet... and yet...

They've said before

nothing is wrong with me

it's all in my head

And so it is

in my head

under my skin

So I'm afraid

afraid to try again

to yell 

scream

into the empty darkness

and look

for a light

a rope

acknowledgement

and to know

"is this real

or am I mad?"

this is my battle

It's funny... I've done this rodeo three times, so I know my cycle. At my 6 week appointment, I'm always feeling tired but generally good. Week 12, I feel a little more tired, a little more stressed, but still optimistic. But month 6, month 9? It gets harder. Everything gets harder.

The criticisms stick more, the doubt sets in... and I feel less me. All the classic symptoms of depression arise - not enjoying anything, not wanting to really move and never feeling rested (ha, parenting!), but I feel too stuck and ashamed to go in to even get checked out. Part of that is my past... and that's mostly what people focus on, not the person now.

I know that I'm right now holding something that happened the other day too close. After giving forgiveness for it, it was shoved back in my face and now I'm having trouble letting it go a second time... Plus, the thing said was the worst possible and the apology had a "but here's why and why I brought it up again", so not a true apology in my mind.

I know I'm angry and upset, but don't feel it. The tears show up unexpectedly. The questions of what I want and what I want to do are not answered because I don't have one, haven't had one in days.

My girls deserve better. They need better. I don't know how to be that right now, but I'll smother them in love and that'll have to do <3