A Common Problem No One Talks About

The good thing, if you can call it that, is that I've been there. I fight with it every day... and I hope my girls never have to. At the same time, I use them to overcome my hang ups and wish that they never ever realize or notice.
That's right, I have a negative relationship with food. Worse than that, it some days takes everything I have to fight back against my impulses and only by remembering that they need better to surpass those impulses. Today, I gave in to another "gift" I gave myself and watched the Netflix movie Thin to remind myself that there are more important things in life, and that I never want to get to the point where I'd need to go to recovery for my body image issues.

Growing up, I was the thin one with a chunkier sibling. Therefore, my family was always on a diet (or so it seemed). My first pregnancy, unplanned and from an abusive situation, I didn't - couldn't - cure my cravings. All I'd wanted were french fries and ice cream, but they weren't allowed. I gained 50 pounds with that pregnancy regardless. I'd also just been called sedentary not long before I got pregnant by a family member just for quitting my sports team, so when I got to college I began a long spiral downward.
My first roommate deserted after threatening my safety, and I was depressed, hiding in my room from a creepy kid. I ended up watching Food Network to chase away the hunger pains, feeling full seeing the feasts they would make on the television and barely feeding the body I had more than just a little - a cup of Ramen here, a bowl of cereal there, a candy bar to keep my blood sugar up, and lots of water...
In some ways, it was a good thing therefore, that my grandmother would send me meal replacement drinks and I saved them all in the mini-fridge. When I needed a root canal for a long broken and finally dying tooth, they were the only things that soothed my aching tooth. On the other hand, I gained a lot of weight quickly that way in the span of only a few weeks... I messed up my digestive system something terrible that year and rarely feel "hungry" or "full." I feed my kids on a schedule so I don't forget to feed them Or myself.
But working out hard the last week has brought out the feelings again. I am around 200 lbs and 6 feet tall - breastfeeding though I may be, still people frown when they hear that. The machines that tell you Body Mass Index and Body Fat Ratios all say I'm "fat" ... and yet, I know how out of control it's become when I see "problem spots" in pictures from my fittest where I was all muscle, so strong and fit.
So, while I'm aiming to get back to 'healthy weight,' I see it also as all arbitrary. I fear that if I ever get to my goal, I won't want to stop. I know that it's a good thing I was unnerved at not wanting to eat after my workout this morning because that means my life and my habits are good.
We are too concerned with the number on the scale, of looking like the models in the magazines when those aren't realistic. Even when seeing the girls on the show, if it weren't for the super thin arms and everyone saying they had a problem... it was hard to see the problem. I don't want my girls growing up thinking Thin is everything... People complain all the time about the obese culture of America... I'd rather see my naturally super tall, super skinny girls learn to use food instead of letting food use them, no matter which direction. Food is fuel, and should be fun...

Anyway. Though no one talks about it, eating disorders are a problem and they are real. It doesn't matter if your problem with food leads you to the super large or the super small, it's still a dysfunctional relationship. The hardest part though is that you are never truly cured of one once you have it - it's just determining in every choice in every day to surpass it. Since it's food, and unavoidable, triggers are ever present.

I hope this helps someone, at least to know that they're not alone. It can happen to anyone... Good Luck <3

Things Quickly Learned as a Parent Gamer

I'm going to the wedding this weekend, but wanted to check in quick with some updates.

The first is that my cross stitch I made as a present looks fabulous. <3 I can't wait to give it to my friends. Plus, this weekend is going to be a blast! Even though we live only an hour from one another, we don't often manage to get our schedules to cross in a way that is conducive to playdate plans.

The second is that I (well, more my controller hog husband...) finished my Banjo Tooie file. While interruptions by the munchkins are par for the course, it bothers him more to have a game unfinished or delayed than it does me... plus, when I asked for a wee bit of assistance, he wasn't so keen to give the controller back. Now he's bogged down into his own gaming pleasure, and will be for some time, and I don't have something "better" to suggest so... 

That leads to point three: he gets frustrated at the screaming and the crying... but he works outside the house all day. I spent the day shuttling the kiddos around, dealing with 80+% of all meltdowns, cleaning up poo from any and all surfaces, and He's frustrated and tired at the end of the day? I still need to work on the projects I'm doing! Just trying to fit in a workout is tiring and frustrating and screaming filled and (dare I say it?) Selfish of Mommy.

And that's really what as a Mom these days we fear - the stigma of being Selfish. Sure, we have things we need to get done like Laundry and Dishes, Cleaning the House, Making Everyone (Else) Happy and Healthy that sometimes we forget to care for ourselves... and if we ever put ourselves first, it's selfish. And yet - and yet! - the need to do something, anything, to care for ourselves so we can love ourselves and be better Mommies is so important that there are webpages, wines, and daycares with the name "Mommy's Time Out." ( ... On that note, I need to try the wine sometime, on that note. I hear it's good, but as I don't get samples or sponsored, I need to find a place in the area to get some <3 )

Maybe it's my "gaming ADD," or maybe it's my kids, or maybe it's that since "growing up" I've found less time for gaming or doing stuff that makes me happy, but I find it hard to pick something and stick with it for long (at least at one time - I nearly always come back it it sooner than later). I sometimes miss being a person instead of an extension of my kids, or a popular and needed but still not quite autonomous member of their entourage. Perhaps it's the Stay at Home factor - as any SAHM will tell you, it's quite a sacrifice to any and all future career prospects for little rest and less time - but the days can be so so soooo long...

While people tell you life will be different, and even some say that with the addition of children life is over, no one can quite prepare you for just How different. You always are thinking about what is best for them, how long can you exercise with a screaming baby in a jumper, how cooked do the hamburgers really need to be, breast or bottle, when solids start... cosleeping vs bedsharing vs crib in another room... and everyone you know and people you don't will have advice, and there is never a worry if they are going to share it (Spoiler Alert: they will!). The latest thing is the new "take your baby out of the car seat right after coming in, even if they are asleep, even if you just got them asleep, because little necks drooping and cutting off airways and -as is always the end warning of these stories - if you don't, your baby will DIE." I'm following it for now, no sense in taking unnecessary chances, but there are also occasions where I'll just unstrap her and leave her in (right next to me)... or I'll sit in the car until Peanut gets tired and the super-wiggles and is tempted to or accomplishes waking BooBoo. Still, the end result of every story being "Your Baby Could Die" gets tiresome...

Anyway, to bed I go! Peace, Love, and Pixie Stix!

Progress Bar:
Sunday Mystery Sampler - only have the black to finish bordering :)
Peanut's - ~24%? (about to start the bottom Bunny and block )
BooBoo's - not started
Crochet blanket for JJ - half done. Still playing with Grape Fizz loom blanket :)

Games - Haven't really started anything new and don't know what I'm working on next... Probably will be after the wedding though

A Little Tired of Being "Second Class"

For as blessed as I am - and I know that with a loving husband who works very hard to provide for us, two beautiful healthy daughters, parents-in-law that defy the stereotype, family nearby who are willing to help when needed or even wanted, and some close friends who I care for who also care for me, I truly am - there are times that I wish that it was better. An example of this is what happened these last few days...

All week, I have been working with and around very snotty little kids; Peanut and BooBoo, one right after the other, came down with the smallest colds. It was just enough to make them miserable and wanting cuddles and nose wipes (Peanut more than BooBoo, of course, on the last one), but not enough to even think of slowing them down. It was just as the transition happened between them on Wednesday that the first emotional torpedo of the week hit - my sister-in-law wrote one of the nastiest "none of her friends ever help her and that the last month has really shown her who her true friends are" posts on Facebook that I have ever seen.
Even knowing that she's ill, even knowing she said friends and not family, this got under my skin in a major way. It's not enough I had given her my one family day of the week so Ryuu could drive her where she needed to go (and chauffeured her plenty myself), it's not enough I opened my home to her when she needed it and am watching her dogs, it's not enough that she attempted to put me on a firing line with my husband by badmouthing me to him (which, love him, he shot down immediately and told her would not be tolerated)... Since I count myself as a friend as well as family to her, her words and only one mention of the word "friend" cut me to the core.
My sweet Peanut, two and innocent as only a child can be to the viciousness of language, helped me by getting me out of the house and not letting my emotions do something I'd regret such as write her back. I will tell you here and now, there is nothing like your child asking "Mommy, you ok?" over and over again to break your heart and make you get it together enough to get out of the situation.
The next day, SIL wrote something lovely and thanked us for all we've done and continue to do for her. I still haven't decided if it's enough of a balm - no matter how much people hurt me, I rarely show or tell them. I haven't responded to either post, but it's a lesson about saying something online you'd never voice to someone's face that you Intend for certain people to see - sometimes, without meaning it, the wrong audience will see it and take it personally.

Then there's the issue with being a Stay at Home Mom. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing my kids growing and thriving. I can't imagine a better job, especially since I was able to be home with them when they were feeling ill and not have to worry about "sick days"... well, unless you count the day I had a touch of it and was snotty too. ;) Being home all the time (and getting paid in love and kisses) is wonderful, but sometimes you need to get out... specifically, you need to get out without the kiddos. I have had TWO of those moments this week. One was the recovery from the above SIL statement when I just needed a good cry. The other was what this part is about - and, spoiler alert, I didn't get either.
When you're a SAHM, it is assumed by most if not all of the rest of the world that you just sit home on your bum, making every food imaginable from scratch in Pinterest quality (baby clothes too!), and watching Real Housewives and Days of Our Lives. The reality is a little more... 

"Moooooommy... What are you doooooing, Mooooommy?"

What really hurts about this though is that in the schedule planner of outings, if a conflict comes up, I get dropped for the people who don't have "unlimited time." When we have a planned get together, I really look forward to it. When I gave "oh anytime that works for you" as a time, it meant "just let me know so I can plan juice and snack cups and enough pants in the diaper bag and..." because I know that it takes me half hour to change them and get out the door. I don't mind dropping what I'm doing to give rides... unless it's naptime and they're already down. My 'life' revolves around my kids and their activities at this age, and I'm cool with that... I just like having some adult time too so when plans break last minute, yes it does hurt and yes, I do feel like a "second class" friend in your eyes.

I want to say that "boundaries are also slamming up in reaction to more family moving into town. Though I've known for a while it was coming, I don't think I was ever going to be ready for my Grandmother to actually move" but I know that sounds stronger than the reality actually is. I admit, I am a nice person and a helper by nature and often times, that turns too quickly into doormat. I hate for people to be angry with me, and this is made worse by the attitude that has resulted - if I give them what they want, they'll be happy and not hurt me. It sounds worse than it is - more 'actively ignore, simmer in silence, reserve their presence' than anything else - but there have been times where it has caused ... more pain.
The reality of it is that I have had very few boundaries in the past, and it's a struggle to create some. I don't know yet what my Grandmother moving here means for me... or for our relationship. I felt undermined today when I was unable to refuse a loan because my Mom showed up and Ryuu gave her what she asked for before I'd even gotten the chance to think about how to say "No, I have plans for that table. She can't borrow it." It's so stupid, but I care how I say things like that because otherwise I feel selfish and stupid and everything I try so hard not to be.

There's so much I could go on about on this topic... especially after this week's end. But I'll finish with something lighter. I did finish my Mom's project, and she loves it. I'm a good ways through the one for my friend's wedding in 2 weeks (2 weeks!) and ahead of the target time. We're almost done with a super long game of Dokapon Kingdom - like Mario Party but intentionally vicious - because we want to get all the classes and max them as much as possible before finishing Story Mode. I'm half way done with the baby blanket I'm making for Ryuu's student (he's the best tutor at his old school <3 and I'm encouraging him to get a masters to go back and actually teach) and have a plan for which I'm going to call her commission. I now run Moms by Design solely and am in the process of making more projects for it - an iPhone 5 case, a yellow scarf, and a blanket are all in the works. My friend has promised a project or two to help finish our initial setup, but has decided not to be a partner at least for now.

<3 Peace, Love, and Pixie Sticks! <3

Progress Bar:
Sunday Mystery Sampler - only have the black to finish bordering :)
Peanut's - ~24%? (about to start the bottom Bunny and block )
BooBoo's - not started
Welcome Sampler for Wedding Present - need to finish "W" and ending "E" and add another vine with flowers. Considering posting the pattern as well as finished picture for sale when done so y'all can make one too <3
Crochet blanket for JJ - half done. Still playing with Grape Fizz loom blanket :)
Games - almost done with Dokapon Kingdom's Story Mode with Ryuu, just finished Hailfire Peak on Banjo Tooie and going to play more this evening... 

Challenge progress

Oh, totally forgot to mention how my #100HappyDays was going! It is really helping me feel better in the midst of all the crises because it's making me think about and sometimes go out of my way to look for/ do things that make me happy. Most of the time, it's my Peanut and BooBoo :) As well as making me share when they are doing new and awesome things, it also helps me feel calmer and more grateful for how lucky I am to have been blessed so much. Happy healthy kids who are growing and learning and have a wonderful outlook on life are the best! So BooBoo wants to be held a lot and Peanut just made a "Monet" on my wall with the wrong crayons... they are only going to be Two and Teething for a little and this time will pass.

One of my favorite quotes in one of my favorite comics :)

Being SuperMommy in the Midst of Drama

This post is a bit of a downer and starts a little more seriously than some of my others. It is no secret that when a baby is born, most if not all parents look at their kids and want more for them - more love, more peace... a better life in whatever way possible and in whatever is valued by them. You want to protect them from the evils of the world, no matter where that resides. 

Most of the time, what you see is what you get - I'm that extroverted introvert that loves to brag on her monkeys, update about projects and games that are going well, do a little bit of venting on the side... but lately, my stress level has been through the roof and I have found myself with a temper shorter than a birthday candle wick attached to dynamite. 

The good thing is that I hate it and can control myself from doing more than the loud roar and/or snatching them from dangerous activities. The bad thing is that the tireder I get, the more I feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of attention and work goes into being "SuperMommy" (which, of course, is my ultimate goal :) ).

And it's not just the stresses of being Mom that are getting to me. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, my sister-in-law's life has fallen apart, and it really is all her fault. Maybe her roommates (?) are druggy jerks who steal her food and walk in whenever. Maybe having a boyfriend, who nearly twice her age, with kids about half isn't all that horrid (a little gross in my opinion, but whatever). Maybe she's just really unlucky when it comes to cars wrecking and the police catching her speeding. Maybe her giant hybrid dogs really are a "bonded pair" and she's just looking for a new home for herself and them. ... Maybe... Or maybe she's just what she's always been - a sick and dangerous individual who takes advantage of her nice family who just want to help. She's my husband's sister, and as such we have done what we can - we let her stay a few nights, he drives her to work since she's probably going to be without a licence as well as a vehicle, we're watching her dogs for a few weeks (and getting paid for it) - but it's getting to be too much. The biggest problem, though people doubt it'll really get to this point, is that I'm a mom and she's proven herself dangerous. Having let her stay with us and watching her dogs, obviously she knows where we live... And due to her illness, for she is mentally ill, she will always blame me when her brother says "no." We have two kids! Since she hasn't done anything 'recently' or against us, I also doubt we could legally do anything to keep her away. The stress and worry is starting to take a toll on my health as well as my already stressed patience.

And then there's Moms by Design... where do I even start? My business partner is a lovely woman who has had some ill fortune as well as some rather serious consequences for choices she's made. It is therefore both a good and bad thing that she has decided to bow out, at least for now, from it - good because it's already set up (including Facebook) and bad because now it weighs more heavily on my shoulders to crank out what I can, if I can.

I've had to take a small break from projects for it, on that note, to do some for upcoming events - my white SMS is nearly done for my mom <3 and blocked out a project for my friend's wedding. Already have everything set up to help make her weekend totally magical (or so I hope) with shoe shopping left.

On that note, I'd like to mention something that really 'grinds my gears'... the stereotype "gamers" work at Walmart's while living with our folks forever. Unfortunately, stereotypes are based on truth so while Ryuu works with Technology and another one of my friends practices Law... one of my cousins is doing precisely that. After getting an accounting degree, from what my mom says, he decided not to do anything with it  because it wasn't "enjoyable". So today I saw he has a live gaming account (a "twitch") going for Assassin's Creed 3 mutiplayer and from there find his youtube (might as well pass on in hopes it will interest someone), thinking "hmm,  I wonder if he's making money that way." After all, we know of people on youtube who actually make a living that way. And if he was, I thought I'd subscribe to help since it's part views and part subscribers... He only does AC multiplay sessions for his channel anyway so unless he's like winning Ubisoft-sanctioned tournaments or something, there's no money in this for him. So while I hate how it makes the rest of us gamers look bad to ignore a degree to live at home and stock for Wally's, I am at least glad he is having fun with his friends. Personally though, I choose to not even get a Xbox Gold membership since I get enough multiplayer joy locally or watching Ryuu play (and giggle at the trolls while he's all frustrated).

Progress Bar:
Sunday Mystery Sampler - still bordering the black, only border left on white (I'm doing two, one with each pattern - black is MSII, White is MS)
Peanut's - ~24%? (about to start the bottom Bunny and block )
BooBoo's - not started

Knitting Looming a blanket for the Etsy and Crocheting a baby blanket for a friend. Just got some new quilting stuff as well as both instruction books and some fun fiction the other day :)

Games... did Animal Crossing New Leaf's April Fools Day, Dokapon Kingdom with Ryuu, just finished Grunty Industries on Banjo Tooie

Sorry today was kind of Negative Nancy... It's been a long couple of weeks and the other day (April Fool's), I was kind of wishing that life was just "punk-ing" me.